aprilillumination

student. midwife.

2009-05-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

i've been working as an assistant to a midwife.
the experience has been incredible.
it has touched me at the core of who i am.
this is important work.

the schedule is crazy. grueling. confining. demanding. inconvenient.
i wasn't sure i could handle the commitment.
the work is fulfilling. fun. rewarding. a miracle. defining.
it's what i am meant to do.

today i'm willing stop calling myself an assistant and begin referring to myself as a student midwife.
i've never been so sure about anything in my life.
i'm truly blessed that this is my calling and that these opportunities have all fallen into place.

instead of blogging i've been...

2009-05-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

spending lots of time in the garden.
hosting friends and family.
working as an assistant to a midwife.
enjoying delicious brews on the brewhouse patio.
looking at the lake.
walking all around this hilly town.
attending bbq's.
sitting around campfires.
reading rumi.
waking up with the sun.

a note to my ego

2009-03-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

i can't even say what's on my mind...and you're my best friend. i can't relax around you, even though i do yoga 5 times a week...i know how to take a deep breath. i can't take a step forward, because you're too busy looking into the past. just when i try to lighten up, you come to remind of all the reasons i can't. when i make progress...you rear your head. i wish i could forgo my ego.

mobiles

2009-03-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

i moved to duluth in the fall of 1998.

the lake spoke to me immediately.

in college, inspired by a roomate, i started making mobiles out of seaglass and driftwood.

over the years these mobiles have morphed and changed.

here's a sampling of the work i'm doing today.

(bear with me, these pictures aren't the greatest)

what defines home?

2009-03-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

my arm before...

my forearm...

is it enough?

2009-03-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

today i feel the burden of my lifestyle on this world.
eating food, unaware of it's origin.
my trash is on the curb, do i know where it goes?
my clothes very likely made in inhumane circumstances.
the products that i use toxic to myself, the earth.
drinking coffee from a paper cup.

i try.
i try to eat local food.
minimize my waste.
use environmentally safe products.
i wear my clothes until they fall apart.

some days these things make me feel better about myself.

today i realize it's not enough.

out like a lamb

2009-03-06T12:11:00.000-08:00

with the warmth comes the awakening. with the sun comes a smile. march brings the laying out of plans for adventures. dreams of park point. daylight extending beyond 5pm. i sense my motivation returning.

it seems the seasons have become the drive behind this blog.

i guess that's what happens.

when you live in duluth.

when you LIVE.

in duluth.

delightful and crazy

2009-01-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

i live in a place with dramatic seasons. it's easy to embrace the season mid-july. barefeet, rising and setting with the sun. energy seems boundless. time is of no issue. our skin is tanned and our muscles toned. faces smile, bathed in the glow of the moon rising over lake superior. all senses are stimulated with the beauty of summer on a body of water in a city filled with people, good food, good beer, warm breezes, sweet smells.

now it is winter. much time is spent in a chair by the fire. somehow 10pm is past my bedtime. my skin has paled. i don't see my friends as much. i cherish the time i have alone. i read a book a week. i cook all of our meals at home. i have excellent relationships with my pets. the house is clean. i put my pajamas on at 6pm. when the temps rise above 12 degrees i venture out. time outside is always brief. and by the end you find yourself anticipating the comfort of a warm cup of tea. and the chair by the fire.

it is delightful and crazy to live in a place like this.

2009

2009-01-02T15:13:00.000-08:00

i am coming down from nights spent sleepless. the rush of the season. overindulgence. a hectic schedule. i am feeling elated from nights spent on superior. a new year. endless laughter. good friends. i am thinking about what lies around the corner. creating things. being easier on myself. i am searching for a new pair of earrings. a quiet mind. new experiences. i think i will blog more. stop procrastinating. live in the moment.

the most wonderful time of the year

2008-12-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

here i am again. another holiday season. i'm trying to remain positive and remember despite what happens to our society this time of year, that this is season for joy, charity and gratitude. within all this chaos i hope to find a space where i can meditate on all the goodness in the world and try to perpetuate more of it. i want to enter each day as i would a new year...full of hope, dreams and a longing to do better.

wannabe

2008-11-29T08:53:00.000-08:00

well we have the internet now and my head is spinning again. so it works out perfect... i can once again write profound or non-sensical things. i can write about how for the first time in a long time i feel really content, but for some reason i feel guilty about it. my identity for so long has been fueled by a drive towards change and now i don't want to change. i just wanna be. and i want to be okay with that. will i ever be okay with that?

what? it's only been 4 months!

2008-11-08T11:21:00.001-08:00

chris spilled a beer on our computer.
we moved to a new home that we love.
we got a cat.
it's snowing today.
we want to go back to the grand canyon in the spring...or maybe bali.

mound of emotions

2008-07-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

it's weird to be packing my stuff. the stuff that's been here in this place for three years. the longest my stuff has stayed in one place since childhood. it's weird to hold in my hands all these things that i've acquired. flashes of the last three years good and bad, they're all here again, being brought back to the surface. this is why i think change is so important. challenge yourself. step away from your norm. there is so much we hide from ourselves. without change we just keep piling things up...we don't even realize the mound of emotions we're riding on top of. i feel all stirred up inside. there is no other way to describe it. it's like the pit in my stomach, that i didn't even realize was there, is movin' around and workin' it's way out. it'll all work out.

changes (ch ch ch changes)

2008-06-09T13:27:00.000-07:00

some things are brewing.
changing.
morphing.
it's exciting. i've always thrived on change.
but i haven't experienced much change lately.
and as this opportunity presented itself...i almost shyed away.
instead i will embrace it, and see exactly how much this change will really change me.

this weekend...

2008-06-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

i can't wait to spend several days and nights overlooking lake superior, drinking whiskey, and spending time with some of the most incredible people i know.

the whisper

2008-05-24T19:29:00.000-07:00

the music speaks to me and the wind is whispering in my ears and people i didn't expect poke their heads in on my life, and i like it, i like when it all feels in sync like this. and i realized again something i already knew, but i guess what i realized i'm not ready to share...maybe because it's so new i can't quite put it into words. it's still there on the edge. marinating. still forming. an unborn fetus. how can tonight feel different from the last? it's the same scenario, almost exactly. except my mind. my attitude. change your mind.

cold and grey again

2008-05-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

i wonder...if it were sunny would i be sitting in a recliner watching the view?

i want it all

2008-05-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

i want to live in duluth where i'm surrounded by wonderful friends and large amounts of security

i want to move someplace new that will challenge me and force me to learn new things about myself

i want to buy a house that i know i will live in for the rest of my life

i want to sell all my belongings and live out of the back of my truck

i want to live somewhere tropical

i want to snowboard more

i want financial security

i want to work less than 20 hours a week

i want to be social

i want to be reclusive

i want so much

and i don't want to live in between anymore

it seems like i've been here too long

2008-04-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

how long can you live on the cusp of realizing your potential before you become it or give up on it????

hawaii

2008-04-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

it felt good to be warm.
it felt good to be with amazing friends.
it felt good to laugh my ass off.
it felt good to eat fresh fresh fruit.
it felt good to be salty.
it felt good to sleep on sand.
it felt good...

being flexible

2008-03-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

it's the first day of spring...and it feels/looks/smells like it. i can feel my mind and body awakening. it's truly amazing what adaptable creatures we are. perhaps it is especially easy to notice this in minnesota with our dramatic seasons, and our bodies amazing ability to adapt to these seasons. during a walk in the woods yesterday, i stopped briefly in a grove of aspens and noticed the trees swaying in the wind. i mean REALLY swaying...moving in whatever direction the wind blew...not resisting...being flexible. they taught me a lot.

life = good

2008-03-08T04:24:00.000-08:00

i'm going to hawaii in 17 days...that's pretty sweet...

escape the trap

2008-03-04T08:23:00.001-08:00

just by thinking about it i think i can think it right. but are thoughts really enough? is a thought enough to define me? is it possible to think beyond thoughts, to see beyond thoughts, to feel beyond thoughts? as far as i can tell i can only be what i think i am, the world is only what i think about it...how do i escape the trap that my thoughts have me in?

2008-02-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

i'm ready to hit the road

and spend my days under blue skies

...even if only in my mind

the shift

2008-02-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

close one eye and with the other eye focus on an object in front of you. now switch eyes. do you notice how the object appears to move a few inches...and even slightly change color?

this is something i've done since childhood...i guess i'm easily entertained. but today i realized this little game could serve as a great metaphor for life. one small shift in thinking or seeing can completely change how you perceive things. it takes both eyes (different viewpoints) to grasp what is reality.

i've been working towards a shift of my consciousness. constantly opening one metaphorical eye...and then the other.

lunar eclipse

2008-02-20T14:08:00.000-08:00

tonight.
check it out.
it will happen between 7:43p.m. and 11:09p.m.

oprah

2008-02-19T18:36:00.000-08:00

okay,okay...i'm a sucker for Oprah and yes...i read all her book club books. i'm really excited to read the latest book a new earth by Eckhart Tolle. it sounds pretty incredible, i encourage you to look into it and read it, i'd love to discuss it here with you.

in check

2008-02-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

it's a fine balancing act for me...if i'm not very busy i lean towards being lazy and unhealthy and if i'm too busy i tend to be frantic, easily stressed and unhealthy. as i walk on this tight-rope of life, i'm realizing that with age comes wisdom. i've learned so much, so many tools to keep myself in check...to keep my life in balance...and when i stray and loose balance i find myself being able to reel myself back in. i feel sound today.

grounded.

awake.

i want to be able to remember this feeling of calm as i head forward into the coming months where my life will be a bit more occupied...

doula work

2008-02-08T12:16:00.000-08:00

it's all happening, it's all falling into place. opportunities surrounding my work as a doula are popping up left and right and i can't believe that i can call this my job. let me tell you...it does not seem like work to assist a woman with her childbirth. it seems like the natural order of things. women are meant to support women...especially in times of childbirth. in other cultures the term "post-partum depression" doesn't even exist. these women can't understand that anything but joy could come from childbirth in the weeks and months following...but that's because they have a support system unlike anything we've see here in the good ol' u.s.a. did you know that women in many cultures get to enjoy a "laying in" period? six-eight weeks of laying in bed with your newborn...not to be expected to do anything except bond with your baby. i am thrilled that i will be working towards a culture where women are supported exponentially and are giving birth on their own terms...whatever those terms may be...

an attitude of gratitude

2008-02-07T06:25:00.001-08:00

this morning i awoke with an attitude of gratitude. here are some things i'm thankful for:

christopher
my dog ruby
lake superior
dangly earrings
interior brick walls
kombucha
aveda products
being present at esmae's birth
my hilarious parents
blogs
rowing machines
my job at northern waters smokehaus
kate
nag champa
candles
snow
my truck
not having a "career"
my intuition
my humor
fruit smoothies
doula work
positive people
seaglass
acrylic paints
neti pots
the dalai lama
rumi
potted plants
sunrises

and that means i've almost made it

2008-02-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

i'm proud of myself. this is the first winter since i've moved back to minnesota (3years) that i haven't fallen into a dark lonely winter slump. the past few winters have been rough...being lazy, not getting outdoors enough, watching way too much t.v., eating ridiculous amounts of comfort food, falling out of sorts in my social life, too much beer, feeling depressed etc, etc. i don't know what it is about this winter, but i feel really great. i've been very active and my mood has been great. perhaps i'm getting used to the 6 months of winter us duluthians have to live through, maybe i'm better prepared to not fall into bad habits. this morning i came to the realization that it's already february...and in a month it will be march and march means spring and that means i've almost made it and i still resemble the april i want to be...and that is a huge accomplishment for me.

a salute

2008-02-01T07:16:00.000-08:00

i can't stop thinking about mac n' cheese. a friend made me some for lunch the other day and it was so sublime. since then, i have made it several times. i have even made trips to the grocery store solely to buy it.

every evening when i'm thinking about what to make for dinner, little blue and yellow boxes swirl around my head whispering "you know you want it" and i do...i do want it.

my favorite breakfast food you ask? re-heated mac n' cheese.

i don't know what it is about the stuff...i understand that it's not really that good. maybe it brings back memories of childhood? maybe they lace it with some sort of drug that keeps you coming back for more?

well...the point of this post is this: i'm officially changing my favorite food from sandwiches to mac n' cheese. done.

on attending my first birth...

2008-01-30T12:27:00.001-08:00

it was a long night. all i can say is that it was incredible and life changing.

today

2008-01-25T06:00:00.000-08:00

maybe today i'll make an effort to discuss theories and ideas instead of people. maybe today i'll realize that the core of who i am shall remain the same no matter where i find myself or who surrounds me. today perhaps i'll open my eyes a little wider and see all the opportunities i have to change this community, this state, this country, this world. today i just might smile at everyone and everything. i should meditate today, i should pause. i should make every effort today and every day to align the way i'm actually living my life with the way i imagine my life should be. i should make a new friend today and another tomorrow. today i should floss my teeth. today i should probably do something that scares me, that's outside my zone of comfort...i hear that can do wonders for a person. today i'm thankful that i can see Lake Superior out my window. today i will be me, just a slightly improved version.

domesticated pets

2008-01-19T07:30:00.000-08:00

i'm alone for the weekend and it's -22 degrees and i have every intention of doing whatever i please for the next 48 hours. as long as whatever i please doesn't require leaving the house, because i just brought the dog out and i could instantly feel the snot freeze in my nose ( a feeling i'm actually rather fond of) and my left eye kind of started watering and subsequently froze shut. the frozen left eye did a job on my depth perception and as i leaned over to pick up dog crap (i know...glamorous! and i get to do it at least 3 times a day!) i lost my balance and fell forward and planted my fist in...a pile of dog feces. god bless minnesota and domesticated pets.

dreaming of farm life

2008-01-17T06:52:00.000-08:00

most of the time

2008-01-16T06:39:00.001-08:00

sometimes i believe i've found contentment in the life i'm living.

sometimes it feels too easy.

sometimes i wonder why i feel like things have to be hard to be real or worth it.

sometimes I KNOW the above statement is true.

sometimes i feel overwhelmed by all that i feel in my heart, all the thoughts that race through my mind.

sometimes i wish i could free myself from those thoughts and feelings.

most of the time i'm glad they're there.

you know you're a minnesotan when...

2008-01-10T06:10:00.001-08:00

your criteria for whether or not you walk the two miles to work is: is it above 10 degrees?

i'm baaaaaaack

2008-01-09T07:08:00.000-08:00

wow, i've been a bad little blogger. from this point on i will post more frequently, i'll make you that promise...but keep in mind, that could very well mean me telling you some really boring crap. what's new? let's see...i chopped off all my bleach blond hair, i now have light brown hair, my natural color that i haven't seen for nearly six years. chris and i are contemplating moving to a farm in wisconsin on the south shore of lake superior. i'm attending my first home birth this month on my way to becoming a doula. i'm really enjoying cross-country skiing. i drink a ridiculous amount of kombucha. i learned to knit, and have been knitting these really cool neck warmer/gator thingy's. well, i think that covers it.
good day.

grounded

2007-12-14T03:42:00.000-08:00

i've been focusing on keeping it simple this month. sleep, read, knit, pilates, perhaps a movie, sleep. everything is so hectic this time of year, it feels good to step back from that. i feel grounded, whereas everything around me seems uprooted. i went to target last night. it was funny. christmas makes people horrible and crazy. i will never be the crazy woman running around target. even though i am crazy, a woman, and sometimes go to target....but that's besides the point. shop local!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

san francisco

2007-11-13T10:15:00.000-08:00

i'm going to san francisco. i need a vacation more than you can imagine. i've been yearning for a change of pace, a break from the norm. i leave on thursday.

recognize this

2007-11-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

i'm not a big fan of western medicine. i was just poked, prodded, squeezed, knocked, interrogated, poked again....and then charged for it...all to tell me i'm completely healthy...which i knew already. i wish we could trust our bodies to tell us when something was wrong. as a society it seems like we're really disconnected from our physical self. scared into believing we need invasive medical exams even when we feel wonderful. i realize that this is easy for me to say... i am healthy. and trust me, i take great comfort knowing that if i were to become ill or injured, i would have top notch medical staff to take care of me. but as far as preventative medicine goes...it's so odd to me, and cold. here is this "CARE"giver rattling of questions from a clipboard and barely looking me in the eye. i'm so excited to become a doula...have i mentioned i'm going to become a doula? i am. and i'm excited to care for women and their children. CARE for them. care. i'm excited to be part of a birthing process that doesn't involve fluorescent lights and a cold sterile environment. our bodies are amazing. i wish we could all recognize this.

stopthinklistenandlearn

2007-10-31T07:00:00.001-07:00

forgive me if this sounds silly, but there is a lesson to be learned from every situation. i know, i know...this is a no-brainer, but it just occurred to me last night. i've been attempting to allow myself to have structured thought, maybe you can call it meditation? but i don't just sit there and think, i need to be moving...walking, cleaning, drawing and focusing on my thoughts. by just allowing myself time to think, not just about anything, but about situations i'm faced with or issues plaguing my mind, i'm learning so much about myself...and the world around me. it's amazing what you can tune into just by slowing down, by listening, by forcing yourself to think and learn. perhaps i've been so thoughtful lately because i've only been working 15-20 hours a week and have no other responsibilities to speak of. i do however hope this is a skill i can carry with me as my life becomes more hectic.

probed

2007-10-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

my nights are quiet.

my dreams at rest.

my imaginings gone?

my problems solved?

my mind numb?

i feel content in so many ways.
i'm not sure i know how to grow without being probed by pain.

read this book

2007-10-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

"Only within the moment of time represented by the present century has one species -- man -- acquired significant power to alter the nature of his world."

"Like the resource it seeks to protect, wildlife conservation must be dynamic, changing as conditions change, seeking always to become more effective."

the above is quoted from Rachel Carson, a writer, scientist, ecologist, environmentalist, and marine biologist, whom many deem responsible for the environmental movement as we know it.

in her last book before her death, Silent Spring, Carson calls to our attention the dangers of DDT and all the other pesticides and chemicals that are being used on our crops and in other ways within our world. this book was met with great resistance, as many were and still are profiting from the use of these chemicals. this book is ranked among one of the rare books that have transformed our society.

not only did Rachel Carson call attention to the use of chemicals and their dangers, she helped us to understand the interconnectedness between humans and the earth.

read this book. stand up for what is right. love the earth.

Blog Action Day 2007

2007-10-12T06:40:00.001-07:00

blog action day 2007

squirm with the reality

2007-10-10T07:14:00.001-07:00

i saw a show last night. a young girl. a singer-songwriter. her voice was beautiful and strong, but her lyrics were more so. she threw things in our faces and called us to action. her pleasant voice made me squirm with the reality of our situation. our situation as a country, as a world, as a city, as a human. it's been quite some time since i've been so moved by music or lyrics. i'm feeling inspired today to step out my door and live my life a little differently.

off ce n t e r

2007-10-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

i feel off center today...not bad, no, i don't feel bad. i'm just a little off from where i want to be. and i'm not going to beat myself up over this, and i'm not going to dwell on what i've done to bring these feelings about...and i'm not going to not tell you that i feel this way. i'm just going to feel it...and i'm going to get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow i'm going to drink a lot of water and i'm going to reign myself back in. i'm understanding that right now, in my life, i need balance and simplicity. that is my mantra for this week: balance and simplicity.

the rest is illusory

2007-10-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

everything seems to be in sync. i feel connected. i feel alive. i think i might for once actually have some things figured out. or at least i've figured out that it's okay to not have things figured out. i'm finally experiencing what it feels like to be content day after day. i understand the importance of living in the moment. i understand the gravity of dwelling on the past or looking to the future. they are equally dangerous. there is no time but now...the rest is illusory. i want to be more conscious about it all: what i say, what i do, what i eat, what i buy, how i vote, who i love, how i feel, who i am. all of it. i wish i could bottle this hopefulness that i have inside of me. this positivity. i want to pull it out and wallow in it when ever i'm faced with struggle. my face is flushed with joy, like i just drank a bunch of red wine. well let me tell you this...i did just drink a bunch of red wine, and i ate duck, and it was all wonderful. i have good people in my life. some would call my life mundane, and in a lot of ways it is. things are pretty laid back around these parts. but it's these days of quiet that i hear so much.

pencil and paper

2007-10-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

this is all you get today, because i'm going to release my thoughts the old fashioned way.

geography

2007-09-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

i found this passage in an old journal of mine and it really resonates with me today:

1.18.2005 Portland, OR

Happieness is about self, not place.
If you're not hopeful today, geography will not change this.

bound by blood

2007-09-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

i'm realizing that family is completely subjective. i had to go to a funeral last weekend where i knew i was going to face a lot of family that i hadn't seen in many years because i'm "a bad communicator". thus, i was filled with a lot of guilt. why don't i maintain relationships with these people? well, after seeing them, instead of feeling guilt, i felt affirmed. why should we be forced to maintain relationships with people that don't fulfill us? i have awesome parents; they are my role models, my best friends....my family. i haven't spoken to my brother in four years...i could feel weird about this...or i could take into account the fact that if any of my friends or my boyfriend ever treated me the way he has, i would have kicked them to the curb. some of us our blessed with an amazing gene pool, some of us are not. and now i choose to choose my family, and not be bound by blood.

who is so simple?

2007-09-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

so there's this guy. he licks ashtrays and my first instinct would be to call him crazy. but then again he's peaked my interest more than anyone has in a long long time. he's in tune with his own reality, which is more than i can say for myself, or most people i know. he wrote me poem in exchange for a cigarette...and it was my original intention to share it with you now:

but instead i will keep it to myself. why would i exploit this person who is so simple? i won't. tonight was the epitome of coincidence, fate, and intuitiveness. he also lives in "safe place" and "there are fairies there". he's from iceland. okay, so maybe he's crazy. maybe i need more crazy people in my life.

see!

2007-09-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

it was a good day. it's always good to see old friends. comfortable friends. friends who are very very different from you, but that's okay. you've already dealt with that, and now when you're together you can just be. it's a good day when you see duluth through the eyes of someone who used to live here and loved it and misses it. it's good to see duluth through their eyes because it makes me see. sometimes i forget to see. far too often i forget to see. i need to focus on seeing. living in the moment in and living beautifully are art forms. they take a lot of practice, and can never truly be complete. i hope i can always remember to live in the moment. consciously. i'm not saying i always want to be happy. i certainly don't want that. if you're not angry about things...you're not living. there is a lot to be angry about. i hope people can learn how to experience that anger, ride it out, come to terms, act on it, feel it, release it. same with love, regret, joy, lust, jealously. let's live. let's be real. let's turn off our t.v.s our computers our mindless banter our shopping malls our dead-end jobs...let's just for one second prioritize. let's embrace who and what we are and where we came from. i am going to a funeral tomorrow. i will see lots of family that i haven't seen in years. i have no excuse...they live close. are they where i came from? why are we together only in times of death? i'm realizing i don't know death. i haven't faced it or explored it or experienced it. i'm not sure i know what i'm feeling. is it possible to experience a new emotion in your late twenties? i guess anything is possible...at least that's what they say.

shades of grey

2007-09-20T19:53:00.001-07:00

i'm about to head out for a walk in the rain. ruby needs the exercise, and i think it just may be the appropriate ending to this day...this gloomy day. it was one of those days where it's not just cloudy...it's moody...the sky showed me more shades of grey than i knew existed. amongst one shade of grey or another, my mood changed, i felt it, something changed. was it chris? is he safe? my parents? a tornado that touched down by their home...what is it? what could it be? this is more than feeling down on a grey day, this is more. it was my aunt. she died this morning at the age of 62...2 weeks ago she was diagnosed with Jakobs disease, a degenerative neurological disorder, we were told it would ultimately be fatal, but two weeks? i still feel numb, i haven't processed this yet, i haven't experienced a death in my circle for quite some time, i'm not sure what the next step is. this rain i'm about to walk in will hopefully open my senses and let me feel this and deal with this.

i miss you

2007-09-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

Christopher left this afternoon for his 20 day solo trip in the boundary waters. of course i'm concerned about his safety and not being able to be in any sort of contact with him for 20 days...but at the same time i'm absolutely thrilled for him and this life-changing journey. i'm proud of him for being so courageous. and the courageous part isn't the physically demanding daily routine he will have to endure...the courageous part is facing yourself ALONE in nature for 20DAYS. 20 days is a mighty long time to be alone with your thoughts, i imagine a lot of good and bad can and will come from that. i honestly believe he will paddle his way out of the wilderness a new man. he will return home 2 days before his 30th birthday and i can't wait to celebrate this momentous birthday and accomplishment with him. i love you chis, please be safe.

totally off topic: i saw a peculiar man licking an ashtray at pizza luce tonight. he had a feather in has hat and had arranged some driftwood on the table in front of him. he would also intermittently light his lighter and hold it in the air as if he were at a lynryd skynyrd concert and they were playing free bird.

forever fall

2007-09-17T20:34:00.001-07:00

the light has changed. the air is crisp. i have to wear gloves when i bike to work. why does fall come at you out of nowhere? what to say about fall? i love it. the smells, the colors, sweaters, my cute hat with a pom-pom on top, the rustling of leaves...the urgency. the peace. throughout my life it seems that the most vivid memories i have always take place in the fall. my cabin in the fall. the porcupine mountains in the fall. the loss of life in the fall. births in the fall. like a slap in the face fall has woke me from my numb slumber. the north shore of lake superior is possibly the best place to experience this season...in minutes you can climb any number of vistas and be blown away by and endless sea of golds, rusts, reds and yellows and lake superior, in contrast, will never look so blue...as it does in autumn.

teehee

2007-09-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

christopher is taking a nap. i'm making three, yes three, grilled cheese sandwiches. i'm going to cut them diagonally and arrange them on a plate with a large bowl of ketchup in the middle. we are going to eat our classy dinner in bed.

direction

2007-09-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

so i said goodbye to another friend tonight...it seems to be what i do...i go to going away parties. i am thrilled and inspired by the fact that the majority of my friends are on the go, moving, exploring, being true to the adventurer inside themselves. and on the flip side of the coin i often find myself envious of my friends with babies and husbands and cute little houses. i really want a cute little house. or do i want to move to new mexico and live out of my tent for awhile? it's so interesting to be 27 years old and walking this line of uncertainty. well, i'm not sure i'd call it that, the word uncertainty has a lot of negativity behind it, and i by no means feel that my situation is a negative one. having direction is overrated. you can't control the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

whoever you are

2007-09-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

i have a confession to make. i've been keeping a secret blog for almost a year. i've been writing with the intention to some day share it, but knowing that for the time being it was still a secret...it really chronicled the last year of my life through emotions more than actual events and as i was reading it over earlier this week...i just spontaneously erased it. it was horrifying and exhilarating at the same time. here it was: 340 entries where i poured my heart out, shared my ideas, my hopes, my fears. just as a few times a year i have a minor freak out and donate a large chunk of my stuff to thrift stores...i just donated my interior to the cyber gods. and i must report...it feels equally as good to rid myself of my blog baggage as it does to purge physical belongings. so now i have this blog, admittedly toned down, but to share with all of you...whoever you are.

whoaman

2007-09-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

i have spent some time with some incredibly inspiring women in the past few days. my leaving the scenic continues to prove to be one of the best and most intuitive decisions of my life. my time has been freed up and i am broadening my friendship horizons, which now looking back, is something i needed more than i imagined. there are women that i have had meaningful encounters within the last few weeks that have really moved me to become a better woman. women are so powerful, and i'm ready to embrace that power.

cucumbers

2007-09-09T22:24:00.001-07:00

i want simplicity...i want to live in the country. i want my stress to be: i have to pick those cucumbers before they go bad. this town lifts me up and sends me crashing within a matter of seconds. my time is coming to an end here. i say that loosely. i have no solid plans to leave, but i can feel my heart strings being pulled off to a land of vast space and quiet. i hope there's a sauna there. i hope there's love there. i hope christopher is there. i know ruby will be there. my life has been all about reinvention, and i'm ready for my next ride on that train. of course i still want to be close to mother superior...but her shoreline stretches nearly 3,000 miles...that's a lot of opportunity. revolution. Revelation. satisfaction. indignation.

from Rumi: Wings of Desire

2007-09-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

People are distracted by objects of desire,
and afterward repent of the lust they've indulged,
because they have indulged with a phantom
and are left even farther from Reality than before.
Your desire for the illusory could be a wing,
by means of which a seeker might ascend to Reality.
When you have indulged in lust, your wing drops off;
you become lame, abandoned by a fantasy.
Preserve the wing and don't indulge in such lust,
so that the wing of desire may bear you to Paradise.
People fancy they are enjoying themselves,
but they are really tearing out their wings
for the sake of an illusion.

1:23am

2007-09-06T23:16:00.000-07:00

i like whisky. i like nodin. i love my life. i love feeling free. my feelings for chris are beautiful and cannot be put into words. i like the calmness of a fleeting moment. riding my bike in the rain, mud and water splashing up my back..that's priceless. i LOVE lake SUPERIOR, she is my mother, my only constant, the only thing that is ever-changing, liquid but solid. i love my friendships. i'm thankful i have so many wonderful people in my life. i feel whole. a little change can make the world seem foreign. i love that.

'tis the gift to be simple

2007-09-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

what do you want for your birthday kate? i want to get you something special. actually i have in my mind a funky art piece i want to make for you...hopefully you don't read this. so much junk just penetrated my mind. once again i've been whipping around like a tornado and now i sit completely overwhelmed, so much has happened, so much is about to happen, i just need some time to STOP and think about it all. mom, what do you want for your birthday? you're kind of hard to shop for. maybe a cookbook? a piece of pottery? a puppy? i know you want a puppy..dad would kill me. well, he wouldn't kill me, but he'd be mad and it would be so funny because in roughly 48hrs. the dog would be his best friend. chris? it's your birthday soon too. what do you want? buying gifts is stressful thing to do. i'm not good at it, i don't plan ahead and usually end up waiting until the last minute and spending too much cash on a fairly thoughtless gift. do i not enjoy giving gifts because i think gift giving is silly and frivolous to HAVE to do on a certain day? a gift should be given when you find something that's right for a person, not because you have to because it's holiday or a birthday. or....is this all just how i justify myself being lazy and thoughtless? i hope not. i will focus on being more creative in my giving and less trapped by our societal norms. ahem.

rage against the morn

2007-09-04T05:15:00.000-07:00

i'm in a rush and my nose is running and i'm wondering why i chose now, this fleeting moment, to start writing this blog. most likely, i'll get carried away, and in 45min. when chris returns i won't be ready, and i won't have made our nutritious lunches like i promised. and we'll ride to work in his bumpy ride listening to rage against the machine, and i'll be wondering why anyone would want to listen to such loud music before 8am. i'll be very quiet, which isn't really in my character, but then again i don't have character before 8am. chris will wonder why i'm mad, and i'll assure him that i'm not, then perhaps he'll reach over and hold my hand for a few sweet fleeting moments before it's beckoned away to the tape deck to fast forward to the next loud proud political propaganda.