geography

i found this passage in an old journal of mine and it really resonates with me today:


1.18.2005 Portland, OR

Happieness is about self, not place.
If you're not hopeful today, geography will not change this.

bound by blood

i'm realizing that family is completely subjective. i had to go to a funeral last weekend where i knew i was going to face a lot of family that i hadn't seen in many years because i'm "a bad communicator". thus, i was filled with a lot of guilt. why don't i maintain relationships with these people? well, after seeing them, instead of feeling guilt, i felt affirmed. why should we be forced to maintain relationships with people that don't fulfill us? i have awesome parents; they are my role models, my best friends....my family. i haven't spoken to my brother in four years...i could feel weird about this...or i could take into account the fact that if any of my friends or my boyfriend ever treated me the way he has, i would have kicked them to the curb. some of us our blessed with an amazing gene pool, some of us are not. and now i choose to choose my family, and not be bound by blood.

who is so simple?

so there's this guy. he licks ashtrays and my first instinct would be to call him crazy. but then again he's peaked my interest more than anyone has in a long long time. he's in tune with his own reality, which is more than i can say for myself, or most people i know. he wrote me poem in exchange for a cigarette...and it was my original intention to share it with you now:

but instead i will keep it to myself. why would i exploit this person who is so simple? i won't. tonight was the epitome of coincidence, fate, and intuitiveness. he also lives in "safe place" and "there are fairies there". he's from iceland. okay, so maybe he's crazy. maybe i need more crazy people in my life.

see!

it was a good day. it's always good to see old friends. comfortable friends. friends who are very very different from you, but that's okay. you've already dealt with that, and now when you're together you can just be. it's a good day when you see duluth through the eyes of someone who used to live here and loved it and misses it. it's good to see duluth through their eyes because it makes me see. sometimes i forget to see. far too often i forget to see. i need to focus on seeing. living in the moment in and living beautifully are art forms. they take a lot of practice, and can never truly be complete. i hope i can always remember to live in the moment. consciously. i'm not saying i always want to be happy. i certainly don't want that. if you're not angry about things...you're not living. there is a lot to be angry about. i hope people can learn how to experience that anger, ride it out, come to terms, act on it, feel it, release it. same with love, regret, joy, lust, jealously. let's live. let's be real. let's turn off our t.v.s our computers our mindless banter our shopping malls our dead-end jobs...let's just for one second prioritize. let's embrace who and what we are and where we came from. i am going to a funeral tomorrow. i will see lots of family that i haven't seen in years. i have no excuse...they live close. are they where i came from? why are we together only in times of death? i'm realizing i don't know death. i haven't faced it or explored it or experienced it. i'm not sure i know what i'm feeling. is it possible to experience a new emotion in your late twenties? i guess anything is possible...at least that's what they say.

shades of grey

i'm about to head out for a walk in the rain. ruby needs the exercise, and i think it just may be the appropriate ending to this day...this gloomy day. it was one of those days where it's not just cloudy...it's moody...the sky showed me more shades of grey than i knew existed. amongst one shade of grey or another, my mood changed, i felt it, something changed. was it chris? is he safe? my parents? a tornado that touched down by their home...what is it? what could it be? this is more than feeling down on a grey day, this is more. it was my aunt. she died this morning at the age of 62...2 weeks ago she was diagnosed with Jakobs disease, a degenerative neurological disorder, we were told it would ultimately be fatal, but two weeks? i still feel numb, i haven't processed this yet, i haven't experienced a death in my circle for quite some time, i'm not sure what the next step is. this rain i'm about to walk in will hopefully open my senses and let me feel this and deal with this.

i miss you

Christopher left this afternoon for his 20 day solo trip in the boundary waters. of course i'm concerned about his safety and not being able to be in any sort of contact with him for 20 days...but at the same time i'm absolutely thrilled for him and this life-changing journey. i'm proud of him for being so courageous. and the courageous part isn't the physically demanding daily routine he will have to endure...the courageous part is facing yourself ALONE in nature for 20DAYS. 20 days is a mighty long time to be alone with your thoughts, i imagine a lot of good and bad can and will come from that. i honestly believe he will paddle his way out of the wilderness a new man. he will return home 2 days before his 30th birthday and i can't wait to celebrate this momentous birthday and accomplishment with him. i love you chis, please be safe.

totally off topic: i saw a peculiar man licking an ashtray at pizza luce tonight. he had a feather in has hat and had arranged some driftwood on the table in front of him. he would also intermittently light his lighter and hold it in the air as if he were at a lynryd skynyrd concert and they were playing free bird.

forever fall

the light has changed. the air is crisp. i have to wear gloves when i bike to work. why does fall come at you out of nowhere? what to say about fall? i love it. the smells, the colors, sweaters, my cute hat with a pom-pom on top, the rustling of leaves...the urgency. the peace. throughout my life it seems that the most vivid memories i have always take place in the fall. my cabin in the fall. the porcupine mountains in the fall. the loss of life in the fall. births in the fall. like a slap in the face fall has woke me from my numb slumber. the north shore of lake superior is possibly the best place to experience this season...in minutes you can climb any number of vistas and be blown away by and endless sea of golds, rusts, reds and yellows and lake superior, in contrast, will never look so blue...as it does in autumn.

teehee

christopher is taking a nap. i'm making three, yes three, grilled cheese sandwiches. i'm going to cut them diagonally and arrange them on a plate with a large bowl of ketchup in the middle. we are going to eat our classy dinner in bed.

direction

so i said goodbye to another friend tonight...it seems to be what i do...i go to going away parties. i am thrilled and inspired by the fact that the majority of my friends are on the go, moving, exploring, being true to the adventurer inside themselves. and on the flip side of the coin i often find myself envious of my friends with babies and husbands and cute little houses. i really want a cute little house. or do i want to move to new mexico and live out of my tent for awhile? it's so interesting to be 27 years old and walking this line of uncertainty. well, i'm not sure i'd call it that, the word uncertainty has a lot of negativity behind it, and i by no means feel that my situation is a negative one. having direction is overrated. you can't control the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

whoever you are

i have a confession to make. i've been keeping a secret blog for almost a year. i've been writing with the intention to some day share it, but knowing that for the time being it was still a secret...it really chronicled the last year of my life through emotions more than actual events and as i was reading it over earlier this week...i just spontaneously erased it. it was horrifying and exhilarating at the same time. here it was: 340 entries where i poured my heart out, shared my ideas, my hopes, my fears. just as a few times a year i have a minor freak out and donate a large chunk of my stuff to thrift stores...i just donated my interior to the cyber gods. and i must report...it feels equally as good to rid myself of my blog baggage as it does to purge physical belongings. so now i have this blog, admittedly toned down, but to share with all of you...whoever you are.

whoaman

i have spent some time with some incredibly inspiring women in the past few days. my leaving the scenic continues to prove to be one of the best and most intuitive decisions of my life. my time has been freed up and i am broadening my friendship horizons, which now looking back, is something i needed more than i imagined. there are women that i have had meaningful encounters within the last few weeks that have really moved me to become a better woman. women are so powerful, and i'm ready to embrace that power.

cucumbers

i want simplicity...i want to live in the country. i want my stress to be: i have to pick those cucumbers before they go bad. this town lifts me up and sends me crashing within a matter of seconds. my time is coming to an end here. i say that loosely. i have no solid plans to leave, but i can feel my heart strings being pulled off to a land of vast space and quiet. i hope there's a sauna there. i hope there's love there. i hope christopher is there. i know ruby will be there. my life has been all about reinvention, and i'm ready for my next ride on that train. of course i still want to be close to mother superior...but her shoreline stretches nearly 3,000 miles...that's a lot of opportunity. revolution. Revelation. satisfaction. indignation.

from Rumi: Wings of Desire

People are distracted by objects of desire,
and afterward repent of the lust they've indulged,
because they have indulged with a phantom
and are left even farther from Reality than before.
Your desire for the illusory could be a wing,
by means of which a seeker might ascend to Reality.
When you have indulged in lust, your wing drops off;
you become lame, abandoned by a fantasy.
Preserve the wing and don't indulge in such lust,
so that the wing of desire may bear you to Paradise.
People fancy they are enjoying themselves,
but they are really tearing out their wings
for the sake of an illusion.

1:23am

i like whisky. i like nodin. i love my life. i love feeling free. my feelings for chris are beautiful and cannot be put into words. i like the calmness of a fleeting moment. riding my bike in the rain, mud and water splashing up my back..that's priceless. i LOVE lake SUPERIOR, she is my mother, my only constant, the only thing that is ever-changing, liquid but solid. i love my friendships. i'm thankful i have so many wonderful people in my life. i feel whole. a little change can make the world seem foreign. i love that.

'tis the gift to be simple

what do you want for your birthday kate? i want to get you something special. actually i have in my mind a funky art piece i want to make for you...hopefully you don't read this. so much junk just penetrated my mind. once again i've been whipping around like a tornado and now i sit completely overwhelmed, so much has happened, so much is about to happen, i just need some time to STOP and think about it all. mom, what do you want for your birthday? you're kind of hard to shop for. maybe a cookbook? a piece of pottery? a puppy? i know you want a puppy..dad would kill me. well, he wouldn't kill me, but he'd be mad and it would be so funny because in roughly 48hrs. the dog would be his best friend. chris? it's your birthday soon too. what do you want? buying gifts is stressful thing to do. i'm not good at it, i don't plan ahead and usually end up waiting until the last minute and spending too much cash on a fairly thoughtless gift. do i not enjoy giving gifts because i think gift giving is silly and frivolous to HAVE to do on a certain day? a gift should be given when you find something that's right for a person, not because you have to because it's holiday or a birthday. or....is this all just how i justify myself being lazy and thoughtless? i hope not. i will focus on being more creative in my giving and less trapped by our societal norms. ahem.

rage against the morn

i'm in a rush and my nose is running and i'm wondering why i chose now, this fleeting moment, to start writing this blog. most likely, i'll get carried away, and in 45min. when chris returns i won't be ready, and i won't have made our nutritious lunches like i promised. and we'll ride to work in his bumpy ride listening to rage against the machine, and i'll be wondering why anyone would want to listen to such loud music before 8am. i'll be very quiet, which isn't really in my character, but then again i don't have character before 8am. chris will wonder why i'm mad, and i'll assure him that i'm not, then perhaps he'll reach over and hold my hand for a few sweet fleeting moments before it's beckoned away to the tape deck to fast forward to the next loud proud political propaganda.