student. midwife.

i've been working as an assistant to a midwife.
the experience has been incredible.
it has touched me at the core of who i am.
this is important work.


the schedule is crazy. grueling. confining. demanding. inconvenient.
i wasn't sure i could handle the commitment.
the work is fulfilling. fun. rewarding. a miracle. defining.
it's what i am meant to do.

today i'm willing stop calling myself an assistant and begin referring to myself as a student midwife.
i've never been so sure about anything in my life.
i'm truly blessed that this is my calling and that these opportunities have all fallen into place.

instead of blogging i've been...

spending lots of time in the garden.
hosting friends and family.
working as an assistant to a midwife.
enjoying delicious brews on the brewhouse patio.
looking at the lake.
walking all around this hilly town.
attending bbq's.
sitting around campfires.
reading rumi.
waking up with the sun.

a note to my ego

i can't even say what's on my mind...and you're my best friend. i can't relax around you, even though i do yoga 5 times a week...i know how to take a deep breath. i can't take a step forward, because you're too busy looking into the past. just when i try to lighten up, you come to remind of all the reasons i can't. when i make progress...you rear your head. i wish i could forgo my ego.

mobiles

i moved to duluth in the fall of 1998.

the lake spoke to me immediately.

in college, inspired by a roomate, i started making mobiles out of seaglass and driftwood.

over the years these mobiles have morphed and changed.

here's a sampling of the work i'm doing today.

(bear with me, these pictures aren't the greatest)

what defines home?

my arm before...

my forearm...

is it enough?

today i feel the burden of my lifestyle on this world.
eating food, unaware of it's origin.
my trash is on the curb, do i know where it goes?
my clothes very likely made in inhumane circumstances.
the products that i use toxic to myself, the earth.
drinking coffee from a paper cup.


i try.
i try to eat local food.
minimize my waste.
use environmentally safe products.
i wear my clothes until they fall apart.

some days these things make me feel better about myself.

today i realize it's not enough.

out like a lamb

with the warmth comes the awakening. with the sun comes a smile. march brings the laying out of plans for adventures. dreams of park point. daylight extending beyond 5pm. i sense my motivation returning.

it seems the seasons have become the drive behind this blog.

i guess that's what happens.

when you live in duluth.

when you LIVE.



in duluth.

delightful and crazy

i live in a place with dramatic seasons. it's easy to embrace the season mid-july. barefeet, rising and setting with the sun. energy seems boundless. time is of no issue. our skin is tanned and our muscles toned. faces smile, bathed in the glow of the moon rising over lake superior. all senses are stimulated with the beauty of summer on a body of water in a city filled with people, good food, good beer, warm breezes, sweet smells.

now it is winter. much time is spent in a chair by the fire. somehow 10pm is past my bedtime. my skin has paled. i don't see my friends as much. i cherish the time i have alone. i read a book a week. i cook all of our meals at home. i have excellent relationships with my pets. the house is clean. i put my pajamas on at 6pm. when the temps rise above 12 degrees i venture out. time outside is always brief. and by the end you find yourself anticipating the comfort of a warm cup of tea. and the chair by the fire.



it is delightful and crazy to live in a place like this.

2009

i am coming down from nights spent sleepless. the rush of the season. overindulgence. a hectic schedule. i am feeling elated from nights spent on superior. a new year. endless laughter. good friends. i am thinking about what lies around the corner. creating things. being easier on myself. i am searching for a new pair of earrings. a quiet mind. new experiences. i think i will blog more. stop procrastinating. live in the moment.

the most wonderful time of the year

here i am again. another holiday season. i'm trying to remain positive and remember despite what happens to our society this time of year, that this is season for joy, charity and gratitude. within all this chaos i hope to find a space where i can meditate on all the goodness in the world and try to perpetuate more of it. i want to enter each day as i would a new year...full of hope, dreams and a longing to do better.

wannabe

well we have the internet now and my head is spinning again. so it works out perfect... i can once again write profound or non-sensical things. i can write about how for the first time in a long time i feel really content, but for some reason i feel guilty about it. my identity for so long has been fueled by a drive towards change and now i don't want to change. i just wanna be. and i want to be okay with that. will i ever be okay with that?

what? it's only been 4 months!

chris spilled a beer on our computer.
we moved to a new home that we love.
we got a cat.
it's snowing today.
we want to go back to the grand canyon in the spring...or maybe bali.

mound of emotions

it's weird to be packing my stuff. the stuff that's been here in this place for three years. the longest my stuff has stayed in one place since childhood. it's weird to hold in my hands all these things that i've acquired. flashes of the last three years good and bad, they're all here again, being brought back to the surface. this is why i think change is so important. challenge yourself. step away from your norm. there is so much we hide from ourselves. without change we just keep piling things up...we don't even realize the mound of emotions we're riding on top of. i feel all stirred up inside. there is no other way to describe it. it's like the pit in my stomach, that i didn't even realize was there, is movin' around and workin' it's way out. it'll all work out.

changes (ch ch ch changes)

some things are brewing.
changing.
morphing.
it's exciting. i've always thrived on change.
but i haven't experienced much change lately.
and as this opportunity presented itself...i almost shyed away.
instead i will embrace it, and see exactly how much this change will really change me.

this weekend...

i can't wait to spend several days and nights overlooking lake superior, drinking whiskey, and spending time with some of the most incredible people i know.

the whisper

the music speaks to me and the wind is whispering in my ears and people i didn't expect poke their heads in on my life, and i like it, i like when it all feels in sync like this. and i realized again something i already knew, but i guess what i realized i'm not ready to share...maybe because it's so new i can't quite put it into words. it's still there on the edge. marinating. still forming. an unborn fetus. how can tonight feel different from the last? it's the same scenario, almost exactly. except my mind. my attitude. change your mind.

cold and grey again

i wonder...if it were sunny would i be sitting in a recliner watching the view?

i want it all

i want to live in duluth where i'm surrounded by wonderful friends and large amounts of security

i want to move someplace new that will challenge me and force me to learn new things about myself

i want to buy a house that i know i will live in for the rest of my life

i want to sell all my belongings and live out of the back of my truck

i want to live somewhere tropical

i want to snowboard more

i want financial security

i want to work less than 20 hours a week

i want to be social

i want to be reclusive

i want so much

and i don't want to live in between anymore

it seems like i've been here too long

how long can you live on the cusp of realizing your potential before you become it or give up on it????

hawaii

it felt good to be warm.
it felt good to be with amazing friends.
it felt good to laugh my ass off.
it felt good to eat fresh fresh fruit.
it felt good to be salty.
it felt good to sleep on sand.
it felt good...